‘Anonymous Angel’ is the new ‘Stranger Danger’

The kindness of strangers never ceases to surprise and delight me. I know the world is full of shams and assholes — trust me, I’ve met and felt my fair share. But it’s also full of angels. Real-life angels. People of epic beauty and transformative love. And that’s exactly what I want to see, hear, feel, and know more of.

Some of the most important people in my life once were complete strangers.

Like really, really strangers. I mean people who one usually one wouldn’t just talk to and then randomly go hang out with. Let’s be honest, most people just don’t wander into the unknown with “strangers” anymore. And I get it… We’ve been lied to. We’ve been sold this idea of “stranger danger” since day one of my life on this planet, at least. And it’s certainly not our fault. However, it is 100% our responsibility to choose whether we’re going to buy into the things we’re sold or not. Period.

There is no two ways about it: How you chose to spend your time, energy, and resources are the complete result of how to live and experience this world.

It is who you are as an individual. It’s your politics. Which doesn’t have to be a dirty word, by the way. It really just means “the art of the possible.” And before you scoff at that, think about it… Like how else would we have gotten this far without the “impossible” push for public schooling, civil rights, women’s suffrage, and all the things we now enjoy and too often take for granted.

And before I go any further, I want to take a moment to acknowledge that my privilege plays large role in everything I am about to share. I recognize that I am blessed beyond belief and that much of my experiences are the way they are because of the circumstances I was born into… Thanks to the ovarian lottery, if you will. And, other than my being a woman, I have little to no experience of prejudice or fear in the way many people wrongfully and consistently experience simply because of the skin or socio-economic situations they were born into. I am very sensitive to this and in sharing the following, it is my sincerest hope that the blessings that have been extended to me can somehow become more readily accessible to all beings everywhere.

Everyone, everywhere deserves to be treated and seen as an Angel — as sacred as the whole of the Universe; because that is what we all are. That is where we came from and where we will all go.

SO, back to how your choices affect your view of the world…

I believe, your choices are your silent request to the Universe. They are how you attract whatever you attract into your life.

I know this true because I’ve totally done it both ways. I’ve had lifelong traumas, insecurities, belief systems, etc. that have programmed me to think certain things about myself and others that have put me into a pattern of not so fun circumstances. And as much as it sucks to take that responsibility it’s also super fucking liberating because now I know how to break that cycle and forgive myself when I fall short rather than continue to be hard on myself for being “unable” to change, which really only makes me feel worse.

It all boils down to how we choose to engage with the good and the bad, because both are inevitable but one can become more potent than the other based on how much power we give either one.

Focusing on the good and doing good promotes your health while focusing on negativity and fear of blah, blah, blah causes damage to your body, mind, and spirit and that of our future generations too. Full stop. It’s been proven. Look up Epigenetic Sciences and read more about this breaking field if you don’t believe me. The idea is, if you think people will be dicks or things will be an issue all the time, people will be dicks and things will be an issue. All. Of. The. Time. Alternatively, if you know if your heart people are good and helpful and kind and loving, people will be good and helpful and kind and loving to you... ALL OF THE TIME.

This is the most valuable lesson I’ve learned on my incredible journey through the pacific I decided to embark even in the most fragile of stages in terms of my physical health.

For real though, I almost cancelled it. Several times. I almost left Burning Man on the first day. I almost went back home after Bali. I actually almost didn’t go to China or Japan at all because of my hip pain and fear of it getting worse and being uncomfortable (which totally causes more pain). I almost didn’t fly out over the pacific at all because the day before I left I fainted in the Chinese Embassy while waiting in line for my visa. I had been bleeding for 14 days, each day bloodier than the day before since the day I put in the IUD 6 weeks post-op as a second try at keeping my endo from growing back because my first attempt — the Orilisa tablets — were making me crazy. Like psychotic kind of crazy. It was excruciatingly painful the day they put it in and it didn’t stop until the day I took it out. Clearly neither of those “treatment plans” were going to be helpful on this trip so I said no to both and had my IUD removed the day before I left, right after getting my visa documents.

Call me naive but I wanted to just feel, with zero masks or filters, where my body is at regardless of everything I’ve been through.

Why? Because I’m tired of running away from my fears.

I refuse to buy into the idea of fear ever again. We’ve all been sold down the river of fear so much so that in order to avoid pain, we chose to dulls our body’s own intelligence and intuition by running away from it. We play it safe and hiding from others so not to let them come close to our vulnerability needed to feel something. That’s just not right and it’s hurting us all because feeling, aka being vulnerable, is what creates closeness personally and interpersonally.

The truth is, if I had pulled the escape hatch each time I got scared of feeling more pain, I wouldn’t have met so many strangers turned angels. They came in so many forms: as fellow entrepreneurs and now friends, as bystanders, as burners, as babies, healers, tour guides, friends of friends, local business owners, Uber drivers, hosts, etc.

And again, had I bailed each time my chronic illness tried to take over — I wouldn’t have come to know this depth of hope in humanity that I totally had lost long ago and hadn’t even realized I had done so.

I’ll be honest, I was faking it. Positivity, I mean. At least towards myself myself. I could do it for others all day long, but when it came to me and my shit — I was trying to be positive but most of me was still really scared all the damn time. And I have good reasons to be scared. My fears go beyond my endo and climbs really deep into my Soul. I know them all to well and they will always be a part of my reality but they don’t have to BE my whole reality.

A lot of my trauma is inherited. I didn’t choose it. Just like most everyone else with trauma.

The beauty is, my trauma is in that same deep well in my Soul that I’m so afraid of. That’s also where hope lies. For all of us. Everyone has the choice to break the cycle of fear and trauma trained by the fear fed to the body, in spite of the soul, by the power of our egos. And we need those egos, to protect us when shit gets real. But 99% of the time when something inflammatory happens, it’s an invitation for you to keep your cool and just breathe. Deflate. Diffuse. Take the lessons. Welcome your blessings. And then you’ll notice all the beauty all around you, I promise. It’s all right there, woven into the challenging moments, and made of the very same stuff.

I know there is obviously a resistance that comes with this idea.

We all just want to protect ourselves instinctively, myself included but when we do only that, we might protect ourselves from all the miracles, too while trying to avoid the tragedies.

I mean, I get it — shit seems super rough out there y’all. The media blows up crisis after crisis and forgets to remind us how love is always present. And it’s understandable that we innately fear strangers when for millennia all we knew was survival but that’s not the deal anymore. We have come so far as humans and we really all to often forget that.

Here’s an example: the day I fainted in the Chinese Embassy, a perfect stranger decided to help me up AND get me my visa fast-tracked so I could make my trip and then helped me to my car to go to the doctor. All I had to do was ask.

And another: my first day in Melbourne, I was walking my friend’s dog and met a lovely neighbor of hers who was an American living in Australia for over 30 years. His name is Norm. He was elderly, suffering from some neurological issues, and clearly was looking for a friend. So Nori (the dog) and I walked with him and his dog for over an hour. We got to know each other quickly. He opened up to me about his ongoing divorce and Nori sniffed his hand which she never does (she’s usually super afraid of men and only runs from them). I shared this experience with my friend and her roommates and now they have a new neighborly bond with Norm that they can all share. One of the girls had lived in that house for 10 years and had never really met him before. They gently thanked me for reminding them of the importance of neighborly bonds and promised they would regularly check in on Norm from now on.

The next day — my phone died and I had no idea where the fuck I was. I found a museum with a public charging station and plugged my phone in. I sat there for a while, tried to meditate, and failed because I kept thinking about my phone out of my eyesight. A couple minutes later, a really spunky young Japanese man came by with a huge smile on his face and asked me to go on a walk with him via google translate on his phone. He spoke no English at all. I told him I had to charge my phone and then in one swift motion, he pulled out his mobile charger, smiled that big smile again, and off we went. We walked all the way across town back to my friend’s place with me. We stopped along the and bought some wine for our respective hosts, shared laughs and taught each other some words in English/Japanese which was perfect for me as I was headed to Japan in a couple of weeks! In the end, we exchanged information and I totally plan to visit him next time I go to Japan.

Then when I actually got to Japan, my friend and I went on an Airbnb experience and the two other folks on the gig were from Virginia (my home state)! I mean, talk about synchronicities… We totally hit it off and had an amazing evening. Again, we will absolutely remain in touch.

And here’s another stranger encounter that totally started with me in near tears… I got on the local train instead of the airport express leaving Japan and had no clue where I was going, all the maps are in Japanese letters and I truly felt fucked. BUT, had I gotten on the right train, I wouldn’t have met a really nice man who went out of my way to take me to A WAY BETTER AND SUPER FAST TRAIN that got me there right on time despite the extra 45 minutes of local transit. It all went by so fast as we ran through the platforms that I’ll probably never see this guy again but like really — what a gem of a dude!

And there’s more! Had I not gone to China I wouldn’t have met some of the most gracious people who showered me with so much warmth and hospitality, fed me in-fucking-credible food, fixed my harmonica, gave me precious gifts gifts, filled my heart with so much gratitude for the vast differences of cultures, and especially — inspired me with their bravery, ingenuity, creativity, and depth of thought in a place that doesn’t really value that very often. That one is hard to explain on the internet but if you wanna know more send me a personal message and we can chat.

And finally, one more example that I’m sure will make many of your mouths drop — my first night in Maui was spent in the bedroom at the home of our Uber driver. I was with Dan (my partner), so I probably felt much safer than usual because I was with him, I’m not going to lie. But the reason we were there was because there was a wildfire happening on the island of Maui. When I landed at the airport it was already happening in full swing. Roads were closed and the way to our hotel would be a treacherous 4 hour cliffside windy ride. Which, I was totally down to do but then I learned that the parents of the bride I am on this island to celebrate (who were also technically strangers as I’ve never actually met them until that night) were also stranded near the airport, trying to get back to the hotel.

We knew drivers willing to do this trek through the wildfires were few and far between on the island. There were four of them and two of us so we figured we’d give them our ride and try to call another Uber after we had a bite to eat because we were starving anyway. It took them 4 hours to get home on a road that should have take a bit over an hour. We ate and then called another Uber. He canceled. We almost gave up to look for a hotel near the airport because another cancel would mean another $5 fee and looked and then I said ‘no, this next one will take us.’ He did. The drive already sucked 45 minute in. He could tell we were tired and I hadn’t slept since I left Japan 24 hours prior. He offered us a place to stay in his spare bedroom and we took it. He even went back out to get us toothbrushes when we realized we left our bags and toiletries with our friends’ parents to bring to the hotel.

So there I was. In a strangers house, in awe of kindness.

In a comfy king sized bed. Unable to sleep so I wrote (this) all night long because I was so full of joy that I decided to take on the challenge of this trip when honestly — I was feeling really, really low about the state of our county, our health care system, and the world at large. And don’t get me wrong, I won’t stop bangin’ on about all the things that need to be fixed in order for everyone on this planet to fully experience all the beauty and goodness this life has to offer. I just have a whole new view on how we get there that I kind of understood before but didn’t REALLY know, know because I hadn’t fully submerged myself in it.

Sure… I had entertained this idea before, but never had like fully let loose into the concept of trusting the Universe to just catch me. Over the course of the last month, I entered into all of these unknown places with little to no real solid plans other than where I was staying and in this last example — that didn’t even pan out as planned!

As strange as it sounds, I set out to completely trust that if I felt pain, I would be OK.

I had never really done that before — like completely trust that if I got lost, it would be OK. That if x,y,z happens (um... like a wildfire the minute you touch down onto an island you’ve never been to), I will, again — be OK. And that’s exactly what happened. I am totally OK. I am more than OK. But it wouldn’t have if I had given into and bailed due my inevitable fears and pains that are still happening and will keep happening because endometriosis is a chronic illness. However, while I can never hide from my endo, I can refuse to let define me. I can live in wellness while having a chronic illness. It’s the only choice I have if I want “be well.”

I need to see it and feel it in order to heal it.

I can’t deny when it strikes. I have to take it head on. Like, the night before the wedding when I went to sleep prepared to teach a yoga class to the bride and some of her guests in the morning. At 3 am, I woke up to an excruciating stomach ache and by 5:30 am, I was completely passed out on the bathroom floor, my head was 1 inch from the stone covered shower ledge. I was completely unconscious. Dan woke me up and moved me to the toilet before I shit myself. The sharp pelvic and rectal pain hit me as soon as I came to and I immediately knew it was back. Just like my doctors warned when I took out the IUD.

At first I got angry, tried to run away from my body, cursed at it, cursed my doctor, cursed my will power to only follow my diet 80% of the time, cursed, cursed, cursed — until I realized that was helping nothing.

Whatever was twisting my insides was a guest in my body (albeit an uninvited one), and I certainly was not giving it a warm welcome. Once I realized that, I flipped my script. I said…

“Welcome: this is my body. Not yours. You are a guest here. Please don’t move anything that isn’t yours. I call the shots in here. Thank you for showing me how strong I am. Thank you teaching me emotional boundaries, for teaching e conviction to healing, for allowing me to feel. Thank you for your message. I hear you loud and clear.”

And before I could even take my daily dose of 800 mg ibuprofen that normally barely even helps, the pain subsided on its own. I fell back asleep. And I taught yoga to my beautiful friend, bride, and all of her loved ones at 8 am. Had I succumbed to the fear, that just wouldn’t have happened. I know because my fear has stolen many moments like that from me before and IT. WILL. NEVER. HAPPEN. AGAIN. I might feel pain or fear, but it’s not the only thing I have to feel.

I can chose to feel hope, joy, willingness, and bodily wisdom rather than resentment or resistance.

At the end of the day, I decide where my energy goes. I decide what I give my power to. Regardless of all of the things outside of my control. I decide what stays and what goes. Simply put: this journey through the unknown taught me through and through how my attitude towards life’s fluctuations dictates my experience of it. The funny thing is, when I met most of the people who helped me out I was at a ‘fuck this, get me out now’ kind of moment (of which there were many) none of this would have dawned on me.

And while writing this, more momentous encounters with strangers turned unbeknownst healers flooded through my memory…

Like, the awesome lady and her husband who drove me around on a furry trampoline turned into an dual level Art Car with comfy pillows and blankets alllllll around the playa for like 5 hours. We went from DJ set to DJ set, to watch the sunrise and then essentially back to my camp — all because I tried to climb something and it felt like someone was ripping my intestines out. She saw my pain and she asked me if I wanted to ride their car while I was doubled over my bike. They attached our bikes to their car and off we went.

There actually are so many, many more examples of the kindness in strangers that I witnessed and felt. And so many small moments I might not even recall in my mind but will forever live in in my heart and remind it to stay open.

Like my waiter in Hong Kong who stayed and talked to me for 2 hours even after the restaurant closed. He taught me so much about his life, his home, and why he loves it so much. He opened my eyes in to things I thought I understood, but totally did not. And the woman in the sushi restaurant in Tokyo who was also eating alone, just like me, and coincidentally was FROM Hong Kong but left to escape the conflict. She told me a totally different side to the story that also enlightened me and reminded me to always remain just as open minded as I do open hearted. There’s always more than one perspective and when we choose to let them all in without bias, it actually can point to the real truth instead of this twisted brand of crisis that divides us.

And OH MY GOD, the comedy show I stumbled into in a Stand-Up Comedy gig at Grateful Dead inspired bar in China and ended up participating in because some dude decided to get up on stage and make fun of periods. Like you’ve got to be fucking kidding me? I almost didn’t go into this bar, by the way. It was our last night and I was tired as hell from my day trip to Hong Kong and back to the mainland. But boy am I happy I did...

This wanna-be-comedian’s girlfriend suffers from endometriosis.

This is the same disease I have, if you didn’t read that like 45-times already. He didn’t use those words — ‘suffers from endometriosis.’ Instead, he poked fun at all the symptoms, and asked for some education on the topic of “periods” in a totally sexist manner so when it was my turn, I shared some thoughts and opened the floor to any questions. They were mostly hilarious. We laughed a ton and by the end we were all friends.

The women in the room, especially the girlfriend, were beyond grateful because they were able to have access to knowledge (and hopefully treatment if they follow up with educated doctors) that took me over 15 years to find.

Looking through the rear view of all this, I see so much to be hopeful for, despite my deep disappointment that the surgery I just put myself through “didn’t work.” At least not in the way I’d hoped. But actually, I got more than I hoped...

Throughout 8 cities in 4 countries, there were hundreds of little nods, affirmations, winks of magic and connection that are literally designed by our coexisting humanness to connect us.

To show us we are so much more the same than we are different. To remind me that even though I will have to live on the precipice of fear due to my chronic illness for most of my childbearing years, I always have a choice to focus on the good. The good people, the good food, the good moments, and the overarching goodness that exists even and especially in the deepest cracks of fear and darkness. Because through those cracks — that’s how the light and hope gets in.

Here’s the trick though: We have to be willing to notice the light. To take the challenge. Break the stigma. Share your story. Open the door. Open your heart. Open your mind. Let others in. Trust yourself. Trust them. And just live and let live. And love, of course. Always, love.

That’s really it; Love. In all ways and always.

Love includes forgiveness. It includes open mindedness and open heartedness. It definitely does not include fear or doubt or suspiciousness. Those are planted programs to hook our minds, close our hearts, and empty our wallets into numbness and meaningless quests for more, more, more.

A great teacher once told me, “more is not better. It’s just more.” She said it in terms of asanas — like, whether to go deeper into the pose or not — but I think it was much more meaningful than that...

If we’re always focusing on how to protect what we have, have more of it, and do so at the expense of our planet and potentially others, there will be nothing left. These moments I am writing about and will always cherish wouldn’t even exist. It would all go away because we bought into the fear we were sold rather the love we could have shared and made, together.

And I know it sounds utopian but most things we have in this modern world once were just that — utopian, impossible, unattainable, unrealistic, you name it. But yet, somehow, someway, with the conviction of many open hearts and minds — we have them. Like this light-box in my hands connecting me to all of you so that you can read my words and hopefully feel my sentiment, authentically.